


The Adventures of Thor and Loki on Midgard

by charlottelennox



Series: Tumblr Rom Com Headcanons [1]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-13 11:19:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16891602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottelennox/pseuds/charlottelennox
Summary: Due to the tumblrpocalypse, I decided to move some of my text posts to AO3. This is a collection of a series I started wherein Thor and Loki live together on Midgard (in my head, it's Thorki, but there's no sex, sorry; also, occasionally it's Valki) and my thoughts on how they navigate basic things such as going to the grocery store, earning money, and just generally living in a romantic comedy alternate universe.





	1. Stuff that Thor and Loki, reunited BFFs, Could Have Done on Earth if IW Had Not Happened

**Stuff that Thor and Loki, reunited BFFs, could have done on Earth if IW had not happened:**

1\. Discover the many forms of chocolate. (Chocolate fountains! S’mores! Rocky Road ice cream! NUTELLA!) 

2\. Go to Disney World. Because that’s just what you do when you’re new to Earth. 

3\. Eat hot dogs. Thor would like them but Loki would think they were disgusting. Loki thinks most Midgardian food is disgusting, tbh. 

4\. Get really invested in reality TV. Loki likes the chef who berates his contestants - Gordon Ramsey? He’ll often call Thor an “idiot sandwich” and be really proud of himself for how well he understands Midgardian culture.

5\. Play with puppies and kitties. Thor insists upon adopting a big Bernese Mountain Dog he names Cappuccino, because that’s his favorite Midgardian drink. 

6\. Go to an aquarium. Loki really likes penguins, for whatever reason, and Thor humors him because he likes to see Loki smile. 

7\. Watch all the Star Wars movies and have really in-depth discussions on the science behind “The Force.”  ~~They also tried to have pretend lightsaber battles, but Loki took it too seriously and kept stabbing Thor.~~  

8\. Social media. Thor, of course, loves it but Loki doesn’t understand the appeal. One day Thor takes a picture of Loki and Cappuccino sleeping on the couch. He posts it on Instagram and his followers explode at how adorable it is, so it becomes an on-going quest for Thor to sneak pictures of Loki in adorably mundane situations. He comes up with the hashtag #godofsnugglymoments and it goes viral. Loki, meanwhile, is completely oblivious to the whole thing. 

9\. Ride in a hot air balloon. 

10\. Build a snowman family. Thor gives them all snow-Mjolnirs. 

11\. Travel to all of the famous cities and landmarks, like the Great Wall of China and Stonehenge. (”I don’t see what’s so impressive,” Loki remarks.) Get weirdly addicted to macaroons in Paris. 

 


	2. Thor and Loki Go To Stop n Shop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additions to this post were made by [@pennie-dreadful on tumblr.](https://pennie-dreadful.tumblr.com/)

**Thor and Loki Go To Stop n Shop.**

**_charlottelennox:_ **

Does anyone else ever think about Thor and Loki going to the grocery store? 

Like, just, they’ve got their little settlement of New Asgard all worked out and they’re sharing an apartment or whatever. Loki, who has never lived anywhere but Asgard, assumes that food and sundry items will just  _appear_ , somehow, as they always have, but at least Thor has lived on Midgard before. 

“No, you have to go and purchase these items yourself,” he explains to Loki, who responds with, “That’s madness, Thor.” Thor sighs and looks very put out and is like, “Okay, well, I guess we’re doing this.”

So the Brodinsons head on out to Stop n’ Shop or wherever and for all his knowledge of Midgard, grocery shopping is an entirely new experience for Loki, simply because he was not aware that such a concept even existed. He’s equal parts appalled and fascinated at this display of mortal mundanity. As he and Thor go through the store, he keeps picking things up, stopping to read all of the ingredients on boxes of pasta, commenting on how sad the humans’ carrots and tomatoes are compared to what used to be grown on Asgard. 

Meanwhile, Thor is growing increasingly impatient and finally he’s like, “Loki, stop gawking and go grab some goddamn toilet paper like I asked you to seven times already,” and Loki just *waves hand, uses magic to telekinetically grab a 24 pack of toilet paper from three aisles away.* Naturally, this causes a bit of a ruckus in the store, as people tend to notice that sort of thing. 

Loki is oblivious. He’s just picking up a box of Rice Krispies and says, “Someone should inform the humans that elves don’t really look like this,” and Thor is like, “Norns, give me strength,” and this pattern more or less repeats itself as they make their way through the rest of the store. 

They end up leaving with the toilet paper, thirteen boxes of Rice Krispies, a head of lettuce, a frozen pizza, three cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli, and a copy of  _Popular Mechanics_. Loki is cheerful as they leave the store, like, “Well, that was a success, wasn’t it?” And Thor is just like, “Sometimes, it’s nice to not be the one who’s utterly clueless,” and Loki, offended, makes some vague threats about pushing Thor into oncoming traffic. They bicker all the way home, and after that, Tony Stark helps Thor set up a weekly grocery delivery service (to which Loki keeps adding outlandish items like seven bags of jumbo marshmallows and exactly one tomato). 

_**@pennie-dreadful:** _

Ok but imagine Loki’s galaxy brain when he discovers stores like Costco or Sam’s Club.

Thor comes home one day and there’s 12 rotisserie chickens, an entire birthday cake, an air mattress, a set of tires, and every Thor action figure in the store. Not one of each. Their entire. Stock. Of Thor themed merchandise.

**_charlottelennox:_ **

And it’s not just a regular entire birthday cake, it’s like a full sheet birthday cake that you buy for your office party of 75. And Thor loses his mind, like, “Loki who the actual fuck is going to eat all of this cake?” And Loki is like, “um, everyone? I’m providing for our people” and Thor just has to go away and be alone for a little while and Loki is just getting the biggest kick out of driving Thor literally insane.

_**@pennie-dreadful:** _

Then. Then Loki discovers  _Amazon_.

There’s always, at any given time, at least two packages at the front door when Thor comes home. He tries to not let it phase him but Loki just buys the  _weirdest, most random_  shit.

“Loki,” Thor says, with all the exasperation induced from minding a toddler, a puppy, and a kitten at the same time, “Why did you order 10 gallons of liquid plant food?”

Loki just looks at Thor like  _he’s_  the one suffering from his brother’s stupidity. “To feed plants? What other use would I have for it? Do you want the plants to starve and  _die_ , Thor? Do you hate plants now?”

Thor just gives up.

(At this point he’s doing it purely to fuck with Thor. Getting back to his God Of Mischief roots. Thor won’t admit it but he actually kind of enjoys wondering what kind of strange, yet mundane shit is awaiting him at the end of the day.)

(And the stuff they can’t use usually finds it’s way to people who can.)

**_charlottelennox:_ **

The day that Thor comes home and finds that Loki has ordered and assembled a cat tree that takes up three-fourths of their living room, he puts his foot down. “It was funny for awhile,” he says, “but this is getting out of hand. We don’t even have a cat, Loki.” 

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he regrets them. Because Loki just smiles. And he says, “You’re right. We don’t have a cat.” A dramatic pause. “We have  _ten_.” 

_**@pennie-dreadful:** _

Thor stares in shocked disbelief at the hoard of kittens that come barreling toward him. He covers his eyes. Groans.

“Thor,” Loki says disapprovingly. “That’s no way to greet your own nieces and nephews.”

Thor just stares at him, because there is no way he is entertaining the idea that his brother gave birth to literal kittens, even though if he’s honest with himself it’s not exactly outside the realm of possibility.

Loki keeps the charade up though. And the kittens do seem to display a remarkable amount of intelligence, for kittens–

– _NO_. He’s not ever gonna go there. Nope.

Peter believes it though. He’s offered on numerous occasions to babysit.

Loki takes them shopping with him at PetsMart.

**_charlottelennox:_ **

Loki randomly gets Thor “World’s Best Uncle” merchandise. Coffee mugs. Pencils. Keychains. He doesn’t outright  _give_  them to Thor, he just kind of  _leaves them around_ where Thor will find them. 

He Photoshops a very large family portrait of himself and Thor with the kittens and hangs it in the living room, so it’s the first thing you see when you walk in. 

He gets all the kittens collars with bells on them and riles them up right before Thor is due to come home, so that Thor is greeted each day by the incessant sound of yowling, jingling kittens. While Thor quietly has an aneurysm, Loki just lounges on the sofa like, “This is so adorable I think I’ll get ten more kittens - the more the merrier, right, brother?” 

A few days pass, and then Thor comes home to a quiet apartment. There are no kittens jingling, there is no cat tree, there is no portrait on the wall. Thor is simultaneously relieved and worried. “What did you do with the kittens?” he asks Loki, who cocks an eyebrow and furrows his brow and says, “What are you talking about? We never had any kittens.” 


	3. Humanity is Universal

**Humanity is Universal.**

Thor and Loki’s inherent humanity is what makes them so compelling as characters, but if their humanity encompasses things like hatred, love, sorrow, joy, regret, etc. - basically, all of the wonderful dramatics of life, then wouldn’t it naturally follow that their humanity must also encompass all of the inconvenient, strange, quirky aspects as well? 

I mean, imagine them, like, having those brain fart moments when the word is on the tip of your tongue and you just can’t - “What is the animal, the  _thing_ called,” Loki asks, gesturing wildly with his hands, “you know, it’s like a wolf but, you know, a squashed version? Tiny?”

“Are you - are you talking about a dog?” Bruce asks. 

“Yes,  _that’s it._ Dogs. Anyway, so I was thinking about how on Midgard everyone has a dog -” 

Or one day, Thor just gets the hiccups. And it’s happened once or twice before, but every time it does, it’s fucking hilarious, so Loki starts laughing. And Thor is like, “don’t laugh -  _hiccup_  - you know that -  _hiccup_  - makes it worse -  _hiccup hiccup hiccup,”_ and he’s laughing, too, while hiccuping, and that makes Loki laugh harder, and that’s where Tony Stark finds them half an hour later: Loki, sprawled on the floor, laughing so hard he’s dissolved into tears while Thor is mainlining water from a five gallon jug except he keeps hiccuping in the middle of it and water goes everywhere the whole thing starts all over again. And Tony is just like, “I can’t believe people think you guys are gods.”

Or Thor going through an entire Tuesday thinking it’s Wednesday. 

Or zoning out - like, Loki is just doing the dishes or something and he’s staring at the wall and doesn’t notice that Thor has come into the kitchen for a full three minutes until Thor finally says, “Loki, you’ve been holding that dish for a long time, are you okay?” 

And Loki shakes himself and blinks and looks down at the dish and the soapy water and is just like, “Oh. Sorry. I was thinking about stamps. It’s a long story.” And Thor just - ?? 

Or like how people have notoriously bad memories over time and 5000 years is an awfully long time to live. So Thor and Loki, in their 2500s, are sitting by a fire, arguing about how various events really went down. “I did  _not_  drop you out of an air fortress,” Loki says, rolling his eyes at Thor’s dramatics. “You’re making that up.” 

“I almost  _died_ ,” Thor says hotly.

“Well,  _I_ almost died when you left me on Sakaar with a goddamn obedience disk,” Loki retorts. “Which I still haven’t forgiven you for.” 

“I never did that,” Thor replies, his brow furrowing. “I may have zapped you a little but we got to Asgard together. How do you not remember?” 

“I got myself to Asgard, you witless oaf. How do  _you_  not remember my arrival in the ship that saved us all?” 

“I thought Brunnhilde brought that ship,” Thor says, shrugging. “Anyway, if I  _did_ leave you on Sakaar, you probably deserved it. Didn’t you try to stab me or something?” 

“I don’t think so. Or maybe I did.” Loki snorts. “Wasn’t that right after you threatened to take my head off with Mjolnir?” 

“No, I had lost Mjolnir by then,” Thor corrects. 

“Really? I could have  _sworn_  you had it during the battle,” Loki points out. 

And so on. 


	4. Bringing Home the Bacon

**Bringing Home the Bacon.**

Imagining domestic Loki and Thor just living a normal life on Earth except they occasionally go off and fight villains or whatever is just one of my favorite things to do. It’s like, regular, every day life is so routine and normal and boring, and even royalty from our own planet are pretty far removed from the day-to-day, so like … Viking space alien princes? Get me some popcorn because I’d watch the Thor and Loki Show all day, every day. 

I mean, like, imagine they kept fighting over whose turn it was to load and unload the dishwasher and Thor is ready to strangle Loki because when Loki finally gets around to doing it, he puts all the glasses in there right-side up, so that when Thor goes to empty it, they’re full of gray, soapy dishwater. And Thor just, “Goddamn it, Loki, I know you’re just pretending you don’t know how to do this so I won’t keep making you do it,” and Loki is like, “I’m offended that you would think I’d stoop so low, but since you mention it, shouldn’t we have a servant to do these things?” And Thor has to explain, again, that on Asgard they were wealthy princes but on Midgard they gotta cut coupons and do their own dishes because - I mean, where do they get their money, really? They don’t get paid to be Avengers (and in my domestic Thor and Loki universe, Loki is also an Avenger because reasons). 

Anyway, it stands to reason that the money comes from  _somewhere_ , so maybe they have to suck it up and get day jobs. Thor becomes a construction worker, because of course he does. He can lift two ton rocks and bricks all day long without even breaking a sweat, or whatever it is that construction workers build with. Which is the downside of the job - Midgardian tools are so ridiculous and tiny, Thor keeps breaking them. He’ll be earnestly using a drill only to press too hard and the entire thing just explodes and screws are flying every which way while the other guys are scrambling to not get hit and Thor is like, “Shit! Sorry! My fault! Won’t happen again!” 

“You fucking said that two fucking days ago when it was the nail gun, Thor,” one of the guys says. 

“Yeah, and what about that ladder you broke last week? Still waiting to be reimbursed for that,” someone else chimes in. 

Thor is offended, like, “It’s not my fault your tools are so flimsy, I’m just trying to do my job, here, give me a break,” and I imagine that most of the other guys are kind of wary of/jealous of Thor so they don’t like him but Thor has made friends with the quiet guy on the job named Jimmy, who shows up on time and doesn’t join in with the Guy Talk and always eats a baloney sandwich for lunch and just wants to do his job and go home so he can provide for his partner and their baby. 

So Jimmy speaks up and says, “Cut the guy some slack. Didn’t he just catch that falling beam this morning that would have smashed your thick skull,  _Todd?”_  And Todd just grumbles and eventually everyone gets back to work and Thor shoots Jimmy a grateful look. Jimmy just smiles, nods, and gets back to his hammering. They’re total work bros. They get each other. Thor starts joining Jimmy on his lunch break, eating baloney sandwiches, but Jimmy only has one and Thor has, like, six. Jimmy jokes that Thor’s entire paycheck goes toward baloney and bread, which is probably not too far from the truth. And of course they never hang out outside of work because it breaks the work bro code. 

Meanwhile. Loki gets some kind of office job where he has his own cubicle that he casts a spell around every day so that nobody else can come in or pop their heads over the side to say good morning or show him pictures of their dogs. Loki in the workplace is an interesting thing because you’d think he’d be a little mischievous shit who’d get fired for something stupid like always purposefully cc’ing the whole company on emails and constantly taking three-hour lunch breaks. 

But Loki actually takes his job seriously because he likes being unpredictable and he likes that it makes everyone nervous when he just shows up, works, and minds his own business. Clearly he must be plotting something nefarious. Which, of course, he is, because he is Loki, but in this instance it’s just harmless pranks for his own amusement. 

The tricks are so gradual and subtle that they almost go unnoticed. Magically emptying the water cooler precisely when three gossipy coworkers head over for their usual 9:07am chat, so that they have to wait for the maintenance guy to bring up a new bottle - which, once he gets there, Loki has magically refilled the cooler and the gossip crew all question whether or not they’re too stressed lately. Rewiring the copier so that it only responds to voice commands, but it misunderstands them, so every once in awhile someone will shout, “No, FIFTEEN COPIES, NOT FIFTY,” or “DOUBLE-SIDED, DAMN IT!” And other such mundanities. Replacing all of the sugar in the break room with a magical powder that effects humans not unlike alcohol, so things got a little weird and rowdy one otherwise boring Thursday afternoon. 

Eventually, Loki will get bored with both the work and the harmless pranks, and he’ll quit and go try to figure out how to rebuild the BiFrost, and Thor, I’m sure, will finally go too far one day and accidentally breaks the super expensive plasma cutter. Tony decides to hire Thor as a “consultant,” doing whatever, and Thor and Jimmy get together for lunch once or twice a month (the work bro code is null and void when one of the bros no longer works there). 

But in the meantime, until that day comes, Thor and Loki will just do their thing, being really proud of themselves for fitting in on Midgard and making honest livings, and sometimes at night when they come home, Loki opens the refrigerator and says, “Why do we always have so much fucking baloney?” and Thor proudly tapes up a color-coded chore chart that they have to follow, no exceptions. 

But Loki still puts the glasses right-side up in the dishwasher. 

*** 

> _**Anonymous**  said —Okay, but Thor can definitely not be a construction worker--(what you described is akin to brick layer, or concretor)--he is too strong for more than carrying things. What about a martial arts or fencing instructor? Or I could imagine him as a teacher at a school, maybe in PE or as a kindergarten teacher. Can you imagine Thor teaching a bunch of kids? Also, they should totally get paid as Avengers. P.S: I love that Loki puts the glasses right-side up. That ending killed me <3_

I like the idea of an instructor of some kind! I feel like fencing would be out, though, because it would take him approximately two minutes or less to snap the fencing sword thing in half, and with martial arts, one slightly too strong kick will send his opponent flying (maybe he tried it out and discovered this was the case, but he visited that guy in the hospital five out of the six days he was there and brought flowers every time).

Thor as a kindergarten teacher would be amazing because, as we all know, he’s just a big old ball of sunshine at heart. I think he would find the little kids so charming and strange and hilarious, and for an Asgardian, kindergarten education is probably akin to teaching dogs on Asgard how to sit, but Thor is patient and fun anyway. Story time is the best because Thor does all the voices and makes big hand gestures and adds his own commentary and the kids just giggle and giggle and try to play with his hair because of course they would. Thor would make sure there’s always enough chocolate milk and he’ll take turns sitting at each table during snack time and share cookies and tell stories about dragons.

He comes home every day smelling like play-doh and glue and Loki is just like, “When are you going to tire of spending every day with your Midgardian pets?” and Thor is like, “Never, they’re my best friends.” 


	5. Reasons for Loki to Smile

**Reasons For Loki to Smile:**

1\. Sometimes, he just randomly remembers that time when he and Thor were on Vanaheim, participating in one of Odin’s royal hunts, as you do when you are a prince of Asgard. It was winter, it was early morning, and a little wolf pup found its way into Loki and Thor’s tent. Loki was cuddling with it, stroking its soft fur and murmuring things to it in a baby voice, also as you do. Thor stirred and realized what was going on and the pup went over to sniff out his new companion. He nuzzled into Thor’s ear, gave a meek little cough, and promptly vomited very impressively into Thor’s hair before settling himself down and falling asleep.

This happened over five hundred years ago, and it still makes Loki laugh fondly.

(”That’s how they show affection, Thor,” Loki says, through his laughter. “Shut up, Loki,” Thor snaps.) 

2.  He really loves all of the novelty items he can find on Midgard, like bathroom soap dispensers shaped like whales. He spends time choosing decor for his and Thor’s apartment that is mostly refined and tasteful, but every now and then, Thor comes home to find that Loki has purchased something incredibly random, like an elaborate painting of Our Lord and Savior, Nicolas Cage, from Etsy. Thor bites his tongue, because Loki just looks so damn  _pleased_ with this new addition to their living room wall.

(“A fine thespian and a finer gentleman,” Loki proclaims, and Thor smiles and nods and sends a text to Val later -  _can you research the return policy on Etsy? Asking for a friend._ Val replies -  _LOL what did he buy this time?)_  

3\. Once, he disappeared for an entire three months, and everyone got really, really nervous - but, like, there were no unexplained alien attacks or random supervillain invasions or anything, so Thor just kind of bit his fingernails and tried to assure a very displeased government that Loki just liked his alone-time and he probably wasn’t even  _on_ Earth, anyway (which was not as reassuring as he might have hoped). Eventually, Loki came back, and it turned out he had teleported himself to the New York Public Library and read all of the books in it and then he just …. _kept going_ , until he read every book in almost every library in the world.

He was happy because he felt like he’d accomplished something, and also the looks on General Ross’s and Rhodey’s faces when he and Thor had to explain that, no, Loki wasn’t off plotting to take over the world, he was just reading and lost track of time, were nothing short of hilarious.

(”Honestly, I don’t know why everyone always assumes I’m up to no good,” Loki says; “Uh, the fact that you killed a bunch of people and led an alien invasion might have something to do with it,” Thor replies; “For Norns’ sake, that was  _one time_ ,” Loki huffs, and so on.) 

4\. Karaoke. Not that Loki would ever lower himself to  _participate_  in such a humiliating activity, but he loves everything about it otherwise: the fact that it even  _exists,_  the fact that there are so many songs to choose from, the fact that an endless number of people are willing to sacrifice themselves and their dignity because something about a microphone and a few shots of tequila makes everyone think they’re a rock star. Loki probably hangs out in karaoke bars on Friday nights, when he’s got nothing better to do, and kind of sits in the corner, nursing an entire bottle of bourbon while he laughs himself stupid over how terrible the karaoke participants are.

(”Is this … is this really where you spend your Friday nights?” Thor asks once, when he finds him. “It’s better than leading an alien invasion,” Loki replies.) 

5\. One time, Loki programmed the GPS in their car (because I’m sure they have one; Stormbreaker is convenient for inter-realm travel but is a bit overkill when he just needs to swing downtown to pick up a pizza or fill his prescription for the high-blood pressure medication Loki has driven him to needing) to take them 53 minutes (exactly) out of their way, on twists and turns that would end with them right back at their apartment. He was just bored.

What should have been a ten minute trip turned into quite the adventure. 13 minutes into the drive, Thor was already getting frustrated; 27 minutes in, and he was practically having an aneurysm (”Why is this thing telling me twelve more miles? That can’t be right. I don’t trust this thing, goddamn it, didn’t we just pass Birch Street twice, ten minutes ago?” Thor rambles. “Oh my god, Thor, turn RIGHT!” Loki shouts, out of nowhere. “But the GPS didn’t SAY to turn RIGHT, Loki!” Thor yells back. They approach a fork in the road. “Bear left,” the GPS says calmly. “GO RIGHT!” Loki exclaims. “I SWEAR TO GOD LOKI -” Thor gets out, swerving wildly, unable to decide where to go. And so on.).

When they finally pulled up in front of their apartment, exactly 53 minutes later, without having made it to their original destination at all, Loki was laughing so hard he was crying, Thor looked like he was on the verge of either crying or throttling Loki or possibly both, and downtown at the news station, the meteorologists were cursing and ponying up to whoever won the betting pool that week that Thor would make it storm when there was no natural way a storm should be possible.


	6. Boredom is a Helluva Drug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additions to this piece made by [@loki-freyjason on tumblr.](https://loki-freyjason.tumblr.com/)

**Boredom is a Helluva Drug.**

The thing is, is that Loki is just  _bored_  on Midgard. Contrary to what people like to believe about him, he hasn’t been a villain for a thousand years. Villainy isn’t an inherent character trait, nor is it even in Loki’s basic  _personality_.

That’s what gets him. Loki is misunderstood about many things, but his general nature is probably one of the  _most_  misunderstood things about him. Especially on Midgard. Thor’s Avenger friends accept him, but grudgingly. They eye him warily when they think he isn’t looking. They hold themselves just slightly too on edge when in his presence. They whisper about him when they think he can’t hear, wondering if the fact that he’s been curled up in the corner with a thick book for the majority of the day means he’s plotting something nefarious with his book of spells and witchcraft. God forbid -  _God forbid_  - Loki just happens to enjoy reading, and the books on magic that he finds on Midgard are archaic,  _anyway_. It’s like the equivalent of being a modern brain surgeon and reading a book about mending broken legs in the Middle Ages. Nothing Loki reads is actually  _useful_  to him, but his interest in the subject allows him to appreciate the material, regardless.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. The point is that, even though he’ll occasionally help the Avengers out (if Thor asks him and if he’s feeling generous) Loki isn’t friends with them and isn’t part of their group. Political handwavey stuff which requires him to go with Thor to represent Asgard at meetings and whatever also gives him something to do. But, when he isn’t occupied with these things, and he isn’t twirling his mustache as he plots world domination (honestly, some people act like they’ve never seen someone have a mental break before) he has a lot of free time. A lot. And since Loki has spent much of his life being a prince and a scholar and he can be neither of those things on Midgard (for one thing, the “kingdom” of Asgard is still little more than a band of refugees in a suburban housing development, and for another thing, yeah, Midgard has books, but it would be like a doctoral student only having access to elementary school libraries), he doesn’t really know what to do with himself day in and day out.

All of this is to say that Loki is just bored. While villainy may not be in his nature, mischief certainly is, and a bored Loki with an arsenal of Midgardian trinkets and customs at his disposal is the reason why Thor, after several migraines, an actual ulcer, and an incident that later become known as the Great New Asgard Lightning Strike of 2018, had to literally get medicated after awhile.

None of this, of course, is Loki’s  _fault_. It’s just the way things  _are_. 

 

> @[thesaltofcarthage](https://thesaltofcarthage.tumblr.com/) said: I’m liking this! so how is he going to keep occupied? He’s a scholar. He’s forgotten more about otherworldly astronomy than most of Earth’s astronomers combined. Is he going to play with NASA? Stroll into Arecibo and correct everyone?

_**@loki-freyjason:** _

I can see Loki going into academia and being a complete troll while also advancing Midgardian knowledge by several centuries.  Debunking cherished theories that some scholars have spent their lives working on.  Correcting mistranslated or misunderstood vocab in dead languages so that entirely new translations have to be done.  Rewriting laws of physics in ways so confusing to Earth scientists that a whole new sub-field has to be established just to deal with it (and no, Loki won’t put it in Midgardian terms, how are they supposed to learn if I baby them,  _Thor??)_   Upending the entire field of Norse mythology by giving a series of lectures titled  _The Real Gods: The Real Story_  (after the first one, the rest are sold out within a day, and several prominent academics come to blows outside the lecture hall, for various reasons that they can’t even remember when it’s all over).  Deciphering Linear A script but refusing to publish most of it until he’s collected enough articles with enough veneration to please him.  (Hey, at least he’s using his brains instead of an army to conquer Earth this time. - Yes, thank you Stark, I do realize this is an  _improvement_  but he wants to debate the Vatican on New Testament interpretation and I’m afraid he’s going to start a new schism, I have  _read_  about your religious wars, you know!)  (There definitely is a new schism.  Fortunately the violence is limited to a literal fistfight in front of the Pope.)

_**charlottelennox:** _

What I love most about this is Loki’s utter disinterest/lack of concern in all of the chaos he’s causing. Like for whatever reason he’s hanging out at NASA - say a friend of a friend of Tony Stark’s recruited him to help on some project or another and as we’ve established, Loki has nothing better to do - and some poor astronomer named Rick is laboring over a hefty section of his life’s work and Loki, sipping a Big Gulp Dr. Pepper rather noisily through a straw with a completely straight face, peeks over Rick’s shoulder and within five seconds he’s like, “you know that’s wrong, don’t you?” 

“What?” Rick blinks behind his glasses. He has circles under his eyes that imply he hasn’t been sleeping well for quite awhile. This project has been consuming his team for months. 

“That equation, just there,” Loki says, and points to an extensive series of numbers and letters on the screen. “It’s wrong.” 

“What do you mean, it’s wrong?” There’s an edge to Rick’s voice that is either disbelief or utter panic, Loki cannot quite tell. “It isn’t wrong. I’ve checked this math so many times I could write it in my sleep.” 

“That doesn’t make it any more correct,” Loki says with a shrug. He sets down his drink and picks up a pencil. “It’s quite an easy mistake to make, truly. I wouldn’t feel bad. But if you move this numeral and take into account …” And he’s off, scribbling as he talks, and two minutes later, he’s fixed the equation, tossed the pencil down, and picked up his cup again. He sloshes the ice around a bit and takes another sip. “Don’t worry,” he says, in what he thinks is an encouraging voice. Rick looks absolutely devastated. “Mistakes happen.” He flashes a lopsided smile and then saunters off, completely unfazed that he’s just utterly destroyed probably seven months worth of wrong work. 

Later, Loki notices a meeting room has erupted into shouting, Rick massaging his temples as he stands next to the dry erase board. Loki catches his eye through the glass windows and shoots him a thumbs-up, proud of how well he understands Midgardian culture. Rick looks like he might die a little bit. 

Things continue on until, after the fistfight in front of the Pope, someone high up in the government formally conference calls Thor and Loki to request that Loki keep his, uh, intellectual assistance activities, to a minimum, for the sake of keeping the peace between the world’s political and religious leaders. 

“Oh,” Loki says, all innocence, and glances at Thor. “I’m terribly sorry. I truly did not intend to provoke anyone.” 

When the call has ended, Thor turns off the computer and looks at Loki and says, “Of all the lies you’ve told in the last thousand years, I swear on my own grave, that one was the biggest.” 

Loki just smiles. 

 

 


	7. Loki Gets a Pet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be a spin-off series, entitled Shit Loki Did That Contributed to Thor’s Health Crisis (A Saga), but I never got past Part 1.

**Loki Gets a Pet.**

Pets aren’t a concept Loki is overly familiar with. Animals are fine creatures, but, as a prince of Asgard, Loki’s personal interaction with them on a regular basis was pretty much limited to horseback riding and hunting (the latter activity which he never enjoyed overmuch). On Midgard, however, pets are a  _thing._ Dogs, cats, rabbits, snakes, lizards, birds, fish - humans keep all manner of animals in their homes, for no reason that Loki can figure out except for companionship and possibly amusement. 

So, Loki decides he’s going to get a pet, too. There was that whole thing with the kittens awhile ago, but that was just to fuck with Thor. Loki wants an  _actual_ pet. So he does his research. He familiarizes himself with Midgardian animals. He considers their habits and considers his and Thor’s preferences and then one day, Loki comes home and says cheerfully, “Thor! Come meet my new animal companion!” And he has a fucking fifteen-foot-long, three hundred pound green anaconda draped around his shoulders. At the sheer horror on Thor’s face, Loki just says, “Don’t worry, he’s non-venomous. I checked. His name is Brad.” 

“Where did - why is his name Brad?” Thor manages. 

“I researched common Midgardian names,” Loki replies, sounding proud of himself. “Brad was near the top of every list. It’s a very popular name.” 

Thor is rubbing his forehead. “Who the hell even sold you that thing?” 

“No one sold him to me, exactly,” Loki says, furrowing his brow. “You can’t find this kind of snake in a pet store. I got him from someplace called the Smithsonian’s National Zoo.” 

Thor, who is at least more familiar with the concept of the Smithsonian than Loki, is confused. “The Smithsonian sold you a - what kind of snake is this, Loki?” Despite himself, Thor is reaching out a bit curiously. He runs a finger over Brad’s skull. 

“It’s called an anaconda. Some of them are venomous, but this particular breed is rather harmless,” Loki assures him. “Some of them are quite large, too, but I was sure to be mindful of our limited living space.” 

Thor pinches the bridge of his nose. “Loki, you can’t keep a fifteen-foot-long anaconda named Brad.” 

“Why not?” Loki is genuinely puzzled. 

“Because - because ….” Thor is unable to articulate  _why_ , exactly, this is such a problem. He changes tactics. “How do you plan to take care of it? Did they give you instructions?” 

“Oh, well, no.” Loki focuses on Brad, stroking his skin lightly. “That is, they weren’t actually willing to barter with me for him for some reason, so I used a spell -” 

“Loki!” Thor looks ready to pass out. “You stole an anaconda from  _the fucking Smithsonian?_ ” 

“I did not  _steal_  him.” Loki looks offended. “I left adequate compensation. The spell was only to cloak my actions, so as not to cause alarm. It was a fair transaction, all in all.” 

“Except for the part where it wasn’t an  _actual_  transaction -” Thor’s face is turning an interesting shade of red. Just then, his cell phone buzzes. Not taking his eyes off of Loki or the snake, Thor puts Tony Stark’s call on speaker phone. Somehow, he just  _knows._  

“Hey, Point Break,” Tony greets him, his cheerful tone a bit strained. “So, uh, I got an interesting call from Rhodey just now. Your brother was spotted in D.C. earlier and there’s a - look, I’m just going to ask, do you know anything about a missing anaconda?” 

“I don’t - we -” Thor stammers and then sighs, glaring at Loki, a vein pulsing in his jaw. “His name is Brad.” 


	8. The Happiest Place on Earth.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony takes the Asgardian crew to Disneyland. Features Valki and original character from Sanctuary 'verse (Dagny).

> _**Anonymous**  said —Apparently Valki + Dagny is a thing now so how about a little headcanon on Valki talking Dagny to Disneyland for her birthday because (according to Tony of course) this is what cool parents do on Midgard and they want to be cool (they take Thor too because Loki doesn't want his "poor & lonely" brother to feel left out)?_

Lmao, I feel like Tony would tell them that half genuinely but also half for shits and giggles because he knows they don’t really know what the hell Disneyland is. He goes with them literally just to see the looks on their faces. 

And what looks they are. The word that comes to mind is  _baffled_. At least for Thor, Loki, and Val. The costumes. The characters. “This is an enormous playground,” Thor says, a bit hesitantly. 

“Yep,” Tony says cheerfully. He’s wearing his trademark sunglasses and distressed jeans but he’s donned an  _I <3 Disney_ t-shirt, a Mickey Mouse hat (with ears!), and socks with sandals, just because he felt it added something to this whole experience. “Happiest place on Earth.” 

They all laugh politely, thinking he’s making a  joke. 

“No, really,” Tony says. “That’s their logo. Happiest place on Earth.” 

“I - oh,” is all Loki says. His expression says, _I should have put this planet out of its misery when I had the chance_. 

So we’ve got three Asgardian adults, one Asgardian child, and one very amused human wandering around Disneyland. Thor gets into it, deciding (as usual) to make the best of the situation. He points out everything - the costumes, all the weird balloon shapes ( _mouse ears! rabbits! Donald Duck![holy shit what is *that?*](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Ffarm6.static.flickr.com%2F5093%2F5488554910_17b14ca743_b.jpg&t=MDQyZjk5NDg3NjgzNTliODc1YzU4NDJkMzhlY2E5OTExMzJmMGMxNyxKMldSdVc2Sg%3D%3D&b=t%3AiJ3RlrfAOqJYIin96hZ65g&p=http%3A%2F%2Fiamanartichoke.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F179800849533%2Fapparently-valki-dagny-is-a-thing-now-so-how&m=1) more mouse ears!_) He and Dagny make a game of counting how many mouse ears they see, but they keep getting distracted by, like, everything else. 

Tony brings them into one of the confectioneries on Main Street, because he wants to know if massive amounts of sugar affect Asgardian kids the same way as human kids. He treats them all to gobs of candy and ruffles Dagny’s hair and they’re just having a grand old time. 

Meanwhile, Val is kind of into it, mostly for Dagny’s sake. She thinks privately that this place reminds her of Sakaar, what with the parades and the balloons and the general feeling of a dumpster fire, but the soft little cheerful music that seems to be constantly playing from  _somewhere_ is nice, sort of. It’s much nicer after they stop for lunch and she has generous amounts of wine with her meal. They confiscated her flask at the entrance, but the wine makes her feel better. Soon enough, she’s humming along with the music and giving Dagny rides on her shoulders. 

Loki’s pretty quiet. They think it’s because he’s grumpy and just being Loki or possibly plotting someone’s murder (namely, Tony’s), which he kind of is, but mostly he’s  _hot._  He’s wearing a typical Loki outfit, Midgard version, so, like, black pants and a black shirt and very little skin showing. It’s summer and there isn’t a rain cloud in sight because Thor’s too busy eating a turkey leg to notice that his brother is sweltering and why does Midgard have places where the sole purpose is to gather as many humans as possible in one loud, colorful, seizure-inducing incredibly hot space and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad and he’d even have fun if he could just cool off and calling, like, three clouds to cover up the sun and give him some shade would be fucking _nice_ ,  _Thor_. 

“Why don’t you buy a t-shirt?” Tony suggests, when he notices that Loki surreptitiously fanning himself with the wrapper from Thor’s turkey leg. “What you’ve got on doesn’t look that comfortable.” 

“I’m not the one wearing socks with sandals,” Loki replies, and also he’d rather pass out from heat stroke than wear a t-shirt with Disneyland mouse ears all over it. 

That makes Thor finally notice Loki’s stress, but instead of calling the storm clouds and “raining on everyone else’s fun day,” (ugh), Thor decides that Loki needs some ice cream. “Any flavor you want.” he says cheerfully. 

“I recommend chocolate,” Dagny adds. 

So they find a place and they all get ice cream and sit together in the shade of a tree and Tony’s still wearing socks with his fucking sandals and Thor and Dagny have donned Micky Mouse hats with ears. Val sits close to Loki and quietly taps him with the rim of her paper cup. Loki wordlessly magicks her soda into liquor and, in return, she puts her arm around his waist and kisses him, and that makes him feel a little better. 

Overall, it could have been a worse trip. 


End file.
